Secret.

I'll let you in into a secret.

I actually miss my life in New Zealand. Who doesn't? It's just that I don't really show it very much. On Facebook, I don't put up constant status updates or pictures that tell people how much I am missing Wellington. In fact, in real life too, no one would expect I'm someone who studies oversea.

I shoved all my happy thoughts and experiences deep inside me, and it has become my happy place. My shrine. My special place. Except that I don't go to that place that often. Why?

It makes me sad.

It makes me sad, that I just locked all of those things that reminded me of how happy I used to be, just so that I won't be sad. I just don't go there anymore these days. I don't think about New Zealand. I don't remember about it.

I look at my newsfeed, and when someone talks about how much they miss New Zealand, I'll be like.. I miss it too.. but I cannot miss it. It just makes me sad. How are you not sad? You must have a great life right now.

Sigh.

It's painful really when I reminisce.. It's like I can burst into tears any time. And I can not do that. Don't ask me why, I don't know. I... I just know that I can't.

I guess I'm just being silly and idiotic.

Till then.

2015.

Happy new year. Again.

They say time seems to fly so fast when you are having fun. Does that apply to me, you ask? I don't know, but what I know is that it's already new year again.

2014 has been.. Pretty okay I guess. I got back from NZ, went for a teaching practicum, got my degree now, and now I am just lazing around the house. Life is good, I guess.

I haven't wrote in my blog for quite some time, due to my laziness. Forgive me. But sometimes, whenever I thought about writing in my blog, I feel like I have so many things I want to write. Too much, sometimes.

Like right now, I feel a sharp pang in my heart. I miss NZ. I miss my freedom. To go anywhere anytime. To not have my actions be questioned. To be responsible over what I eat. To sleep whenever I want. To be left alone when I want to be left alone. Nowadays, I struggle to even eat a piece of fruit a day. I struggle to wake up every morning, and I look forward to go to sleep, because tomorrow will come faster and I get to repeat the whole shebang all over again. On a faster mode. Or so I thought.

It sounds like I am having a depression, but I am not. Maybe I am? I don't know. I don't have the motivation to do anything. I tried looking for a hobby, but so far, nothing yet. I ran a list in my mind,

1) knitting
2) hama beads
3) reading
4)...

Yeah. I couldn't decide on anything. So right now, if anyone ask what is my hobby, maybe I will answer "Taking care of my fish".

I would say I am happy with my life right now, no job, no real duties.. But deep inside.. I miss my routines.

Then again, maybe that is my hormones talking.

Till then.