Family.

I skyped with my family for a bit just now. Things back home looks pretty okay (on the surface), but I know they hid a lot from me.

I talked a lot with my sister. She saw me wearing nail polish, and she ratted me out to mom. So not cool. That led to mom going on and on at the background about how bad it is to wear nail polish. That spoiled my mood for a bit. But I decided to ignore what she said. After all, it's my nails. I do whatever I want with it.

Maybe it's just me.. But I felt distant from mom. It felt like.. Like I'm not really her daughter.. Like I'm someone from the outer space, just skyping to say hello.

Maybe it's because she refused to talk directly to me or even look at me when I was on skype. My sis used the skype on her phone, and whenever she turned the phone to mom so that I can see her, mom refused and told her that it's not necessary. I got a glimpse of her here and there.. But nothing like sitting down and talking to me properly.

Come to think again.. We never did talk properly. None of the heart to heart thing, none of the I'm here for you thing.

It's very different with my siblings. I don't know if what I'll say is out of jealousy or anything, but I felt like mom never treat me the same. When my sister went to UK for her degree, mom would sit by the phone for hours just to talk to my sister. With my brother, mom would call him every morning to wake him up and remind him to have his morning prayers. And he's at college already.

But here I am, 8836 KM away from home.. And I have to be the one calling if I want to hear their voices. And if they do call, it would be from my sister. Calling to say she miss me.

So being the hormonal and emotional that I am, once the switch of bad memories was turned on... Everything came flooding in. 

How she lost the brooch that I gave her for her birthday (She didn't even remember I gave her one). That was the first and may be among the last of the gifts I'll give to her. 

How she cooked up my favourite food, only to give 3/4 of the best bits to my siblings.

How she was never there for to support me on my sports day. Or to tell me I did a good job when I get good grades.

Or when I need someone to help me pick up the pieces. 

But honest to God, I love that woman. I love her so much that it hurts me a lot whenever I feel like all my love is just nothing to her. I spent half of my life trying to make her happy. Sure, I'm rebellious. I'm stubborn and I always talk back to her. But in times of need, I am the one she can depend on, and she knew it because it happened already. All I want are some appreciation and recognition from the woman that I love and care so much. I guess we can't always get what we want. 

I have never talked to her about how I feel. I know I should have. But it felt so uncomfortable, trying to reach out to someone who doesn't really bother about it. I know I have acted out several times when I was younger, screaming, shouting and crying, telling my parents in their faces of how they never love me. Because that's exactly how I feel. Unloved. 

Shouldn't they be worried and try to understand me more?  Or like, try to understand why I felt that way? I don't know, if I am a mother, I will be horrified that my daughter thought I didn't love her, and I will do my best to try and make her feel more loved. But I guess not everyone is the same. 

I used to be really ashamed to say I love you to mom when I am about to hang up the phone. Because she never did that to me, never say I love you to me. Well, maybe she did. But I don't remember it. Then I thought "Hey, maybe she's shy. Why don't I be the one telling her I love her. Maybe she'll pick up from there!"

You know, because children needs to hear their parents say that they love them. It makes us feel safe, secure, happy, and feel like the world might not be such a scary place to grow up. 

But till now, I fail to hear even one. I never knew these four words can be so hard to say.

"I love you too"

Relationship.

I saw a video on my FB newsfeed today, posted by a friend of mine. It was about a teenage boy, proclaiming his love for his girlfriend, and also telling the girl to remain faithful to him and only him. It was done in the form of a song, and I have to tell you this..

It's damn funny.

Funny in the sense that it's unbelievable. I understand that declaring your love for your significant other to the public is impressive. It's romantic (sometimes) and it's sweet. Like Taj Mahal who was built as a symbol of love between a man and a woman (I forgot what's his and hers name).

But is it necessary? For the world to know what was supposed to be just between you and your partner?

In the video, the guy was singing "When you talk to other guys, I'm jealous!" I was like... Seriously? Do you need to let the world know how possessive you are and how jealous you can be?

Sure, I wrote about my Botak and what he's done for me once or twice in this blog. But then again, I didn't go "Oh my Botak, our love is so deep, I can't wait to have your babies and grow old with you! Don't go talking to other ladies as I'm the only one for you!!!!" That is none of the world's business of what I want to do with him and what I don't want him to do. If there's anything that I don't want him to do, I rather just say it directly to him. Why go the long way, when there's a clear path in front of you?

But anyway, he is just a teenage boy (roughly 15-16 years old), and I guess everyone has their own way to proclaim their love. I'm not judging him or anything, it's just that I find his way of declaring his love a bit ridiculous and and if I indeed do a video of me singing of how our love is sweet and amazing, it'll be just for him and for me.

Anyway, till then.

Aunt.

My aunt Jah just drew her last breath yesterday, on the 15th of September 2013, at 3.40pm.

In just mere seconds, my world crumbled into pieces.

It began when my sister said hi to me on Skype. So I gave her a call, since it's been weeks since I last skyped with her.

"Hey, what's up?
"Hey, where have you been? I've been trying to reached you! But all our calls went into your voicemail."
"Oh yeah, I changed my number again. Sorry. Hey, isn't that Nini and Haikal?" (my cousins)
"Oh yeah, they're all here at the hospital"

I was curious. Why is my sister with my cousins?

Wait, does it have something to do with what I saw on my cousin's FB post earlier on?

"My Aunt is on her deathbed now. Please pray for her." - Cousin Fifi

"Hey, where are you? Why are you with them?"

"That's what I'm about to tell you. Aunt Jah fell down last Friday and was getting weaker. At the same time, Grandma also fell down. Since mom can't possibly take care of two people at the same time, she sent Aunt Jah to Uncle Su. Early this morning, mom got a call that Aunt Jah is dying and is being sent to the hospital, so we rushed here."

Silence. I was shocked. 

"WHAT???? Where is mom now??"

"She's upstairs with her, and everyone else"

I said my goodbyes to my sister, promising her that I'll call her back soon, and immediately called mom. And as soon as she picked up the phone, this is what she told me.

"Your Aunt Jah just passed away."

I was horrified. Immediately my tears dropped down along my cheeks. But I held it in. I asked mom if she's okay, and I told her to be strong before I hung up. Then, I just burst into tears. I cried for a good 5 minutes, before calling my sister back.

I guess she got the news. It's a surprise. She was calm, and consoled me who was bawling like a kid. And here I thought I'll be the strong one if there's death in our family. Guess I'm still just a crybaby.

So she made me promise to stop crying and pray for my Aunt, and after hanging up, I immediately called Botak, and cried again to him. He was out with his cousin, and he rushed back home to make sure I'm alright. 

That night I just cried and cried and cried till my eyes hurt. I wanted to go home. I hated the distance between me and home now. I wanted to make sure everyone's alright. I was scared everyone will leave me. I was scared that I'll be alone. I know I'm overthinking it, but I can't help feeling worried and scared that I'll lose everything.

I finally calmed down, but my sleep was restless. And the next morning, I was still in tears whenever I thought of what has happened. How I wish I can be with my family now. I thought of how devastated mom would be, yet she's fine. She was calmer than me even though she saw her own sister dying in front of her. How strong she is. I would have just crumbled away if my own sister died.

To Aunt Jah, I love you. I may have not be your perfect niece, and you may not be my perfect aunt, but I still love you no matter what. But I know that you have gone to the Lord Al-Mighty, back to your creator. May you rest in peace. 

Al-Fatihah. 

Snow.

Happy spring time!

Yes, it's spring over here. To all the people on the earth's northern hemisphere, prepare yourself for another weird winter. Since I haven't written anything for quite some time, let me make amends to that. Over the weekend, I did a road trip with some of my friends and we went all over the country, just sightseeing and all. It was fun. Even though it left me financially broke after the trip, it's worth every single cent.

I visited the hot spring, did a sulphur spa, had a mud bath, went on a speed boat, seen the snow, played with the sled and best of all, I got to drive!!! It's very exciting for me as if I'm with my family, it's hard for me to do so. To those who know me and who know of my other blog will know what I'm talking about. But since nobody read this blog, it doesn't matter because I know what I'm talking about. Teehee.

I'm pretty happy at the moment. I have my cat that I kidnapped from my neighbor (again) sleeping next to me, I'm at home, safely tucked under my duvet, I'm feeling rather fresh and is just waiting for my boyfriend to come home from work. And the best part is, I know that he too is eager to come home to me. I love him so much, I kept on thinking what would it be like when we get married. He's more mature than me, so I'm pretty sure he'll be like the serious one and I'll be like the childish one in the relationship. But maybe we'll be different and it'll be the other way round. Who knows? At the moment, my current fantasy about me and him is of getting pregnant with his child. I think I'm having that sort of fantasy because I see one of my high school friend who just got married a few months back is now bearing a child, and it's so exciting. Imagine, you're carrying another human being in your belly. Amazing isn't it?

As I said before, I can't wait to get married, have a child, be a grown up. And I can't wait to do all this with him :). Referring to my boyfriend as him seems cold isn't it? Well his name is Botak. Boats the dangerous. Ekekeke. He loves being the hero that seems to be anti-hero. Kinda like batman, except without the mask. Deep down, he's a sweetheart. He's my sweetheart. Teehee~

Anyway, till then.

Outlet.

I'm thinking of making this blog a place to draw all my imagination and creativity with words. In simple words, I'm going to make this blog my creative writing outlet. Poems, short stories, dialogue, diary.. You name it.

Sounds interesting, right? It'll give me a chance to improve on my English too.

Now, what shall I write first?

Cat.

Let me tell you about a cat.

A ginger cat. Male. Desexed. Beautiful fur, with stripes on the tail that goes wild when he's hungry or restless. A cat who loves to rub himself on you, nudging your hand slightly and always tries his best to encourage you to pet him more. You may think of him as a cuddly and adorable creature who you can pour all your love and attention, and he'll appreciate it. But cat, being a cat, is a proud and selfish creature.

I guess if he could speak, he'll say something like "Pet me more, human. Y U NO PET ME MORE?"

This is that brat cat. Look at that smirk on his face. Just look at him. 

He's my neighbor's cat, and I've developed a love-hate relationship with him. I love him coming to me, it makes me feel special. Like I'm the chosen one. But every time I let him in, I'll regret my actions immediately.

I love him, but God, how I would love to just wipe that smug look on his face. I know, I know. He's just a cat. But still. He would come and paw on my window, begging to be let in, and when I did, he'll start to go crazy. He'll jump on my table and paw on my aquarium, scaring the fishes till they became restless. Then he'll be rubbing himself on everything, leaving furs everywhere.

Before, I thought he doesn't have an owner as he used to wander aimlessly around the neighborhood without a collar. And when I asked around, an old lady told me that his owner moved away from the house that he lived in, and left him behind. I couldn't help feeling sorry for him, so I fed him and gave him love and shelter. A few days and several advertisements later, I decided to call in the SPCA to hand him over for adoption. I was crying after I hung up the call, because it pains me to let the cat go (yes, I was already attached to him at that point, but I can't keep him because there's a rule of no pets in the house and all this while I was smuggling him and I felt guilty). My kind boyfriend point it out to me that I might get into trouble with my flatmates if I were caught keeping the cat, and I have to agree with him.

Not long after the call, there's a knock on the door. And to cut the story short, the cat's owner came and ask about her cat. Talk about perfect timing. So I explained to her that I thought the cat has no owner as it was spending a lot of time with me and has no collar on and there's an old lady telling me his owner moved away. Turns out, she move just across my house, and her cat has always been a friendly and adventurous cat.

And I thought I was the chosen one.

So now, I'm trying to slowly put a distance between me and him. Since I know now that he has an owner, I can't help but to be annoyed when he comes pawing on my window. I guess that's just jealousy. Haha.

Anyway, till then.

OCD.

Today, something shown on the TV caught my eye. No, not the commercial where they sell you good pots. And no, not the other commercial that pays you $10 for every kilograms that you've lost while renting their treadmills. It's a British TV show, called "Obsessive Commercial Cleaners". This show gathers people with obsessive compulsive disorder for cleaning and gives them little projects like cleaning people's house or the community centre.

This is some of the participants of the show. From left is Cheyza, Hayley, Linda, Richard and Michele. Yeah, I think I've watched too much of them. 

It's a relatively new show, and I must admit, there are a lot of good points of this show. It raises people's awareness that there are some people out there who loves to clean and there are some who are the total opposites. Also, there is a reason why someone is the way they are.

For example, Michele on the furthest right of the picture is a bleach addict. She LOVES bleach. She would use up to 2 bottles of day to clean, and boy does she love cleaning. 60 hours a week. Wow. That's like what, quarter of a week spend on just CLEANING.

Up till then I've realized that I am not so OCD as I thought I am. Sure, I might have the bad habit of arranging the videos at the video stores alphabetically or feeling annoyed when my pens and pencils are not aligned properly when I'm getting ready for a test, but I guess that's just me.

Anyway, till then.

Bob.

So today I went to the salon to cut my hair. Of course, what else can I do? I can't possible have a cooking competition going on in a salon.. Or can I? Teehee. I cut my hair really short now.. It's called a bob hairstyle. I look cute. *grin*. It felt so good, seeing all those curls falling off my shoulder. A bit nostalgic too.. Thinking of all the good times we had in the shower.. Teehee. I'm kidding. Good riddance. My head felt so light that I might just float to cloud 9. *whee*

I had sushi with my friend at the harbor. Something I haven't done in ages.. The last time I remembered spending some time with friends at the same place was last year.. And that was during some religious activity that I joined just for the fun of it. We watched the sunrise, and thanked God for another day of living on this planet we called Earth.

Moving on.

I'm going to bed now. So far, I haven't ruin my diet yet. Let's just hope it'll all goes well till I lost at least some weight. Ugh.

Anyway, till then.

Diet.

Before I went to bed yesterday, I've downloaded a new app in my phone. It's call 'EasyDietDiary', and believe, it is really easy. You can key in details about what you eat and how many calories and shit like that. Now what makes it more special than the other crappy app that claims to be doing a good job in monitoring what you eat is that this app contains the list of food available in Australia and NZ. That means I don't have to struggle to key in the data, I just scan the barcode and *poof*! I got it.

So this morning, while cooking some congee for dinner since I'm going out for some haircut and grocery shopping, I went around my kitchen and just snap on the barcodes of the food that I've eaten. One word: Amazing. I am so excited over the fact that most of the things in my kitchen are recognized by the app, and if they don't recognized it, they offer you to add into their food library. This is so awesome.

However, I still have to keep in mind that I can't lose weight with just that app. I need to put in the effort, and have motivation to keep on going until I reached my ideal goal: 60Kg. Don't try and guess my current weight, I'm really heavy. Especially after I let myself go quite often this year. To be honest, I'm scared of going back to who I was before. Big, fat, heavy, and I just felt like a blob all the time. So now, every time I look into the mirror, I'll be like... "Oh God.. Why Lily.. Whhhhyyyyyy..."

So let's hope that this time, my diet plan will work. I have my calorie figure that I need to adhere to, I know I need to do more exercise and I will do more exercise. I will change, for the better. Not just because I want to be thin, but I want to be healthy. I want to feel good and look great when slipping into a beautiful dress, knowing that I didn't starve myself to get to that point. Let's just see how it goes.

Anyway, till then.

Friends.

Some friends are just people who you can have decent conversation, yet they don't really get you, and neither do you understand them. Some of them are people who offers friendship because they want something from you, yet are reluctant to offer what they have.

Now what is the definition of friends?

Someone you can trust? Someone who choose to be with you through thick or thin (out of their own free will)? Someone who knows and understands you, accepts you for who you are and don't judge you ( and if they do, they keep their judgements to themselves and don't treat you the way they judge you)?

Such people don't exist. And if they do, they'll be like the rarest creature on earth. Seriously. Name me the people in your life who would stay by your side and wouldn't run away even when you said you've killed ten people. Or who would still lend you money even though he/she knows that you're going to use it to buy stupid things on Ebay.

Lucky me, I found some of those rare human beings, and made friends with them. One of them is my love, my soulmate. He completes me. And I'm not just saying this because I love him or anything, but he really does complete me. And I complete him too. He's a person who relies on logic and reasoning, while I am more on my instincts and my emotion. He's simple, and I'm complicated. He looks at the bigger picture, while I focus on the details. Such complete opposites, both of us, yet together we are one.

Another is a simple girl, humble and really nice. She would give and give, and never ask for anything back. She understands me and care for me, and I do the same for her. I would say she's one in a million, and she deserve all the greatness in the world. Really.

Anyway, till then.

Pilot.

First post of the blog will usually be something about the creation of the blog or something about me. Or that's how it is typically. I've named this 'Pilot', as this will be the first post that will help you decide if this blog is worth reading or following. To be honest, I'm just writing for fun. I need a hobby, and whatever hobbies I have before are becoming more dormant and uninteresting as time goes by. This is my second blog now. The first one died, just like that. There might be some hope in reviving it... But i prefer not to look into that path.. I just want to start new. That blog will serve as a reminder of the past, as a lesson that I will always need to learn from, improve myself and move on into becoming a better person.

Moving on.

I miss writing. I never thought I'll miss it, but I really do. I miss the traditional way of writing or the modern way of writing. I love to write with my mechanical pencil as much as I love to type on my laptop. It doesn't matter what I write, be it just scribbles or nonsense.. Writing makes me happy. You're free to express yourself and you can take as much time as you want to think about the right words that best describe how you feel or what you are doing. Don't you think so?

Speaking of writing, they say one's writing can reflect one's personality. I know that back in my first year at university, I once helped a friend with his essay. When another friend who knew me for quite sometime read his essay (she doesn't know that I wrote it), she immediately knew that I wrote that. And when I asked her how on earth can she tell, she just shrugged and said "It just sound like you." Quite interesting I must say.

Anyway, till then.