Hurt.

It's been a weird week.

I have this heavy feeling in my heart that could bring me to tears, and the next minute, I am fine. Then it happened again, and I'd be sobbing like there's no tomorrow, while clutching to my chest.

What is this pain?

How could I have forgotten this pain?

It sucks. The fact that I still stalked him on Facebook, only to find him bragging to his friends how I dumped him and he took it like a boss. Maybe it's a front. Maybe he wants to show to people that he's actually fine with it, when in truth, he's hurting deeply inside.

God, I hope it's the latter. At least I know he was serious with me. Or at least feel that way.

I dumped him, and yet I still cried over him, over our two beautiful (sometimes long and dreary) years. I haven't told my friends, except some close ones, that we've broken up. I changed my relationship status on FB, but I hid it from people's view.

And I stalked and stalked him whenever I am on FB.

It's dreadful, it's horrible, but if you offer me if I would like to be with him again, and he'll forget that the break up ever happen... I'll still say no.

I feel free, I feel unrestricted.. A little empty on the inside, a lot lonely when I am alone.. But at least.. I don't feel tied down AND unhappy at the same time.

I miss him. I miss the old him, the old times, where we used to Skype each other every night, he watched over me as I sleep, consoled me when I had a bad dream, promised the world to me.. Tell me I look good.. Tell me it's fine to be who ever I want to be.. And that he believes I can be whoever I want to be..

Maybe I am a shallow person, who likes only happy times.. But if that is the case, why did I stick by his side when there's so many troubles going on in his lives? For nearly two whole years.

I don't know what to think anymore.

I hate complicated things.

Him 2.

Hi,

I broke up with him yesterday. No, there is no one else apart from him, no, I did not cheat on him, no, I wasn't being unfaithful to him, no no no.

I have fallen out of love with him.

I know. It sounds so silly, so stupid, so ridiculous. A relationship of two years, and suddenly, POOF! Sorry babe, I just don't love you like I used to.

It sounds mean. I know. I felt it. I am guilty of it. But I don't think I can take it anymore. The distance that I felt (he doesn't feel it). The defeaning silence in our conversation (he said because we have talk all that we can talk about).

Yes, I admit. I didn't bring up all this to him. But I know there's no point in bringing it up. He would have said I am being stupid for even thinking that that's what happening, we would fight, and everything would end well only if I admit I was wrong in thinking of that and also bringing a non-existent issue.

One time I told him I was scared to meet him because I was worried that he would call me fat when he sees me. You know how he reacted? He sulked for two whole days, then we fought because he felt I was just making up shit to avoid meeting him, and I ended up apologising for ever telling him that I feel scared he would call me fat.

And all I wanted from him is just a simple line of "You're still pretty" or "I don't care if you're fat or not, I still love you".

Maybe it's too hard for him to do that.

I cried hard yesterday, and talked to some friends about this. They said I should be happy, but if that's the case, why am I crying?

Why is this sorrow pit so deep for me to crawl out from?

I think mostly it's because I felt guilty ending a relationship. My first two year relationship. I am now leaving someone who knew my past, have came to terms with it, helped me fixed it, calmed me down when my past interfered with my present, helped me fixed it, helped me create and add value to my life, made me a stronger and meaner person, taught me that I am actually capable of so many big things..

Also made me lonelier, created a habit to keep things inside, hated my body, hated myself for eating, made me feel mixed feelings on being depended on, limited myself to no do and decide things because I feel like doing and deciding it, but doubting my decision because I kept on thinking what would he think about it, what would he feel about it.

Now I am single.

I feel free, and constricted.

I feel happy, and guilty.

I feel glad, and sad.

I hate you Botak. For teaching me how to love. And for not nurturing the love that you taught me.