I have this heavy feeling in my heart that could bring me to tears, and the next minute, I am fine. Then it happened again, and I'd be sobbing like there's no tomorrow, while clutching to my chest.
What is this pain?
How could I have forgotten this pain?
It sucks. The fact that I still stalked him on Facebook, only to find him bragging to his friends how I dumped him and he took it like a boss. Maybe it's a front. Maybe he wants to show to people that he's actually fine with it, when in truth, he's hurting deeply inside.
God, I hope it's the latter. At least I know he was serious with me. Or at least feel that way.
I dumped him, and yet I still cried over him, over our two beautiful (sometimes long and dreary) years. I haven't told my friends, except some close ones, that we've broken up. I changed my relationship status on FB, but I hid it from people's view.
And I stalked and stalked him whenever I am on FB.
It's dreadful, it's horrible, but if you offer me if I would like to be with him again, and he'll forget that the break up ever happen... I'll still say no.
I feel free, I feel unrestricted.. A little empty on the inside, a lot lonely when I am alone.. But at least.. I don't feel tied down AND unhappy at the same time.
I miss him. I miss the old him, the old times, where we used to Skype each other every night, he watched over me as I sleep, consoled me when I had a bad dream, promised the world to me.. Tell me I look good.. Tell me it's fine to be who ever I want to be.. And that he believes I can be whoever I want to be..
Maybe I am a shallow person, who likes only happy times.. But if that is the case, why did I stick by his side when there's so many troubles going on in his lives? For nearly two whole years.
I don't know what to think anymore.
I hate complicated things.
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