Marriage

Somehow this topic has been on my mind for quite some time. To be honest, I'm not very keen on it. I'm scared. 

Terrified. 

Petrified. 

So far, the marriages that I have seen for myself (and live within close proximity) are not looking very.. inviting.

On one hand, I see a super (a lil over) obedient wife with a husband who is not so.. well, let's put it this way. I hate him. I don't trust him. But they've been married for over a year. 

On the other hand, I see a spiteful wife who always aims to claw the shit out of the husband, and the husband would get his battle gear on and combat. Most of the time, the husband would be on defence.. When he switch on his battle mode, it's best to clear the room. And they've been married for almost 36 years.

Looking at these two couples, I just.. can't.. 

I tried asking other people what marriage is like for them. The people that I asked are the husbands in the marriage. One thing they have in common when it comes to their opinions about marriage is that:

It's never easy. 

They admitted that they have been really patient with their wives in terms of handling all the dramas and bullshit, and even though there are days they wish they are far away from their wife, they also admit that the things that the wives would do for them are not something others would do.

For example, my boss shared with me how amidst his wife's flaws, he always appreciate that his wife would put him first above all. She would make sure his needs are taken care off first, before taking care of the children or anything else. To me, that sounds like a real commitment. Like, I can't imagine being a wife like her. That sounds like Mother Teresa already. 

Me? I'm selfish, pretty much like to be left alone, like to do things my own way, hard headed, hot headed, sometimes arrogant, other times egoistic..

But I know, when I love someone, I love taking care of them. I love making sure they have all they need, that they would never have to suffer. Of course, provided that they appreciate my efforts and not just expect it out of me, but rather take it as a gift. Otherwise, I'll keep a grudge. 

And I'm ugly when I bear grudges on people.

And now, looking at all these people, parading around acting all happy that they got married.. Is it really a good idea to give that much of a commitment? What if they betray you? What if they promise you the world yet only ever give you dust bunnies?

What if I never find my happiness?