Botak.

Dear Botak,

Let me dedicate this one to you.

To be honest.. I kind of miss you. But more towards missing our routine. Welcoming you back home, asking how's your day, playing games with you, the I love you's....

Huh.

Can't believe that's the only routine we have nowadays. At least before we broke up.

I'm sorry I am not worthy to be archived in your memories. And here I thought you were really serious about loving me.. Here I thought, being supportive (emotionally, mentally and financially) and understanding and caring and loving you as best as I could meant something to you.

Sure. I was the one who dumped you. I was the one who fell out of love.

But I'm not the only one to blame here. I'm a victim too.

Although you told me many times that you love me, that you'll take me as I am.. I have never been able to accept that 100%. If you really do love me as I am, how come you can't accept it if I'm not as thin as you like me to be? You told me it's unfair to you, but have you ever considered how it would be unfair to me?

I know my family is a bit of a challenge, but asking me.. no, demanding me to do something about it is a bit too much. I understand, you want me to stand up for my own rights as an adult.. But there are some things you can't run into heads first. Calling me a coward for not arguing with my mom when she refused to give permission to let me go out is a bit uncalled for. You have your own culture within the family, and I have mine. You should have just respected that.

I have never demanded anything from him. Not his time, not about changing anything on himself, nothing. Mostly because I know he'll say "Let me be, woman. I'm an independent individual and I have a right on my self"

Me? What about my rights?

Do you know how hard it is to not be able to tell you how I really feel? Sometimes it sucks knowing you so well, because then I also could predict how you would react. I've tested on this theory, and I was right every single time.

Like, when I told you I felt scared to meet up with you because you'll call me fat, the first logical thing a normal BOYFRIEND would do is ask, "What makes you think/feel that way? Was I sending out those messages?"

But no. You had to be different. You went away, pissed off and felt as though I am making up excuses not to see you. What the actual fuck? Here I am, missing you so much, holding back from asking you whether I could see you because of your financial situation (that, and also I have some difficulty asking for permissions to go out from my parents), and you dare say I am making up excuses to not see you? Because I told you I was scared to see you in fear of you calling me fat?

You used to spend so much time with me. But then you slowly drift away. Maybe it's because the burden and pressure at work, but to be honest, I think that's an excuse. I think you're just not interested anymore to spend much time with me.

I gave you so much of me, but I don't really see you give that to me. I sometimes felt like you were taking me for granted, and you were a little too comfortable being pampered by me. But that's my fault. I should have had limits. I should have not spent my happiness for the sake of yours.

But I thought that's what love is. Huh.

We don't talk much anymore, we don't spend time together, when you do have free time, instead of calling me up for a bit, or just hanging out with me, you went and played your online game for hours and forgot I was even here, waiting on you to reply my message. And I can't even tell you that I'd like it better if you could spent more time and attention on me than that pool game. But as I said, knowing you, you'll probably just say "What's your problem? You know that that's my only source of entertainment. You know I don't go out much, and I don't have money to go out or hang out with people. It's easy for you, you have so much free time to do what you want, but I only have these much time to do the things I want to do."

So tell me, my dear Botak, how am I suppose to let you know if something is bothering me, when I feel (based on previous experiences) that you won't even take seriously what I am feeling?

It's really sad, you know? You are my first two years. Till now, I am amazed I could have a relationship for nearly two years. And you know things about me that other people don't, and didn't make a big deal out of it. You understood me. You accepted me. You were my best friend. You make me feel butterflies in the stomach whenever we date (Just not on our last date. Somehow, I couldn't wait for it to be over). You're the first person who I am mostly honest with. You are the first person to make me lose my shit every time we fight. Like seriously, I usually can hold myself together whenever I fought with my exes. But with you, I felt horribly out of sorts after we fought. It impacted other aspects of my life, and that has never happened before. And till the end, these are the things that I regretted having to let go when I let you go. And yes, I am crying when I am writing this paragraph.

I am crying because I know I may never find a man like you.

But I rather die than go back to being in relationship with you. It sounds exaggerated, but that's how I feel. I couldn't stay a moment longer. I felt suffocated. I felt like I need to be free as soon as possible.

You should be honoured that I offered to meet you face to face to break up with you. That's how much I respect you. I usually just dump my bfs over text. Or call. Or just disappear.

So Botak..


May you find peace, where ever you go. May you find love, be it on earth or heaven. May you find happiness, each step of the way.



Till then,